Ubisoft recently revealed their plans to do away with the horrendous ‘always-on’ DRM. We all remember that, right? It used to be that whenever you played an Ubisoft game, you’d need a constant online connection to play your game, even in singleplayer. Thankfully, Ubisoft saw the light and have scrapped the system altogether. However, there has been little news about what they are replacing it with. Until now…

The CEO of Ubisoft, Yannis Mallat made the announcement today at a press conference in front of hundreds of eager journalists. “At Ubisoft, we strive to be the best at what we do” he began. “We are proud of the way we get the most out of our developers.” He proceeded to explain the importance of hiring new talent from a diverse range of ‘ethnic backgrounds’ and ‘religious beliefs’ which has allowed them to develop a new Assassin’s Creed every year for the past three years. One journalist asked how well the developers were treated under the intense working conditions, but was quickly escorted out of the building by several large men in suits when the words “slavery” and “human sacrifices” were mentioned.

Mallat quickly changed the subject, and made the announcement everyone was there for. “We at Ubisoft pride ourselves on our innovation. And today, I’d like to share with you our greatest piece of innovation yet.” A small Asian man in a tuxedo somersaulted up onto the stage. There was a confused silence in the room. “Say hello to our new DRM! This state of the art cyborg is the latest prototype solution to the war on piracy and will ensure our legitimate customers can enjoy their game without hindrance or interference. We have already begun mass-production and plan to have one in every home across the world!” Mr Mallet was seen to be laughing nervously and developed a twitch on his face that got worse as the press release went along. Bewildered journalists sat and listened as Mr Mallat explained in great detail that billions of dollars of game sales had been invested in creating a new DRM system that is an Asian cyborg dwarf that stands behind you and watches you while you play. He watches you to ensure you don’t try playing the game with a no-CD crack. He turns your pc off if you even think about visiting a torrent website. And if you try playing the game in window mode with a gameFAQs walkthrough open behind it, he will take out a hammer and smash the game disc into dust (If you buy the steam copy, he simply breaks your legs). “Seriously, this is exactly what the games industry needs!” he shouted several times, pumping his fist triumphantly into the air on the beat of each word.

When asked if pirated copies of the game would also come with a Asian cyborg bully, Mr Mallat started muttering inaudible gibberish for a few seconds before rolly-pollying off the stage and into a limo.

So that’s what we have to look forward to as legitimate game purchasers. Will this new system prove to be as inconvenient as their last system? Will it put you off purchasing Ubisoft’s games in the future? How long will it take modders to turn the cyborg dwarf into a useful housemaid? What day is it today? All these questions, and more, will surely be answered at some point in time.